Thursday, December 3, 2009

It could be worse...your point being?

The other day I was chatting to an acquaintance of mine--being my usual dreary self--and the guy tried to cheer me up with the old “it could be worse” routine. Naturally, I responded in a manner befitting an Old World aristocrat like myself:

“Yes, you‘re right. It COULD be worse. But you know what else it could be…
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B-E-T-T-E-R.“

I don’t know how so many people came to believe that recognizing you aren’t in the worst state possible is supposed to outclass morphine in the painkiller department. Next time I‘m performing a clitoral circumcision on the Ivory Coast, I‘ll be sure to tell the lucky lady, “It could be worse. At least I‘m using a clean boxcutter.” No doubt that will make up for having to go through life with avant-garde genitals.

Of course, even if things did get worse for me, all these imbeciles would do is reiterate that despite my newfound troubles, life could still somehow be worse. I could be in a gulag and they’d tell me, “Hey, it could be worse. You could be in Auschwitz. Now smile and show us where those gold teeth used to be.”

Up until the point of death, all these “it could be worse” stooges can offer as conciliation are meaningless captions about the sufferings of others. Not even death offers escape from their babbling, because at the funeral they always say, “At least he’s not alive and in pain.“

Yeah thanks...now I see this coffin as half full.

Knowing someone has ebola doesn’t make your cancer less painful. Meeting someone who lives under a bridge doesn’t make your trailer more luxurious. Seeing a guy whose wife is fatter than yours doesn’t cure the hernia you got from carrying her over the threshold.

The next time I encounter a fool who is giddy over trivial things, I‘m going to say to him, “Hey, it could be better. You could be anyone other than you.”

1 comment:

Dan said...

"The coffin's half full is a great line." Or perhaps another expression for stay on the positive side, "May all your coffin's be KISS coffins!"