Sunday, February 6, 2011

Frequently Answered Questions

Those who electrify millions frequently find themselves stomped by a ceaseless march of questions. I have found the same thing happens when you electrify two people. The fans never stop sniffling about how you owe them your innermost thoughts. Like Tom and Jerry, the public and private sides of me are forever sparring for rank. Cosmo says vulnerability is a turn-on, so I’m going to answer some of the common ones:

Are you really only 5’5”?

Yes, but when you’re under 5’8”, it is best to go with centimeters, so I prefer to say I’m 165.1 cm. Fee fi fo fum. With just a slight adjustment of the measurement terms, I make Yao Ming look like a snapped dandelion. Height is in the eye of the rulerholder.

Is your height the reason you are so bitter?

“Bitter” or not, I’ve been this way all my life, even when I was 5-years-old and everyone around me was short too. Then they grew and I didn’t. Through it all, my “bitterness” never fluctuated. I never changed. I’m pretty sure there was a Springsteen song about this.

Why do you hate everything?

I have a very wide range of interests. If I wrote about them all, no one would care. Especially not me. Plus my life contains only three or four tales of triumph and they are boring enough to be comedy chloroform. Seriously, almost all triumph is boring. I admit to hating everything about triumph.

Why aren’t you famous?

Fame is mostly random, and the roulette wheel hasn’t stopped on my number. It never will. Sure, actions I could have taken to tempt that randomness, like constantly network with bookers/comics, I have not pursued with enough vigor. I couldn’t network my way into headlining a brown paper bag. I also don’t have a face that inspires long term investment.

Okay, you’re not famous, so when are you going to quit?

I’m held hostage by the psychology of previous investment. I’ll give up when it is time. Hopefully “time” is this year.

Why aren’t you writing for a show like Letterman?

Because he wanted to pay me in soiled million dollar bills and I have a thing about germs. Writing jobs like Letterman are hyper-coveted and a wee tricky to come by. You don’t just find them on People often spend years bouncing around with titles like “contributing writer” before they land a steady gig on a solid show. A better question would be, given all the crap on television, shouldn’t some of these guys be called “subtracting writers?”

Have you ever won any awards?

No, but I was recently nominated for the “Distinguished Achievement in Not Trying to Be Bill Hicks, Jim Norton, or Mitch Hedberg” award. It was an honor just to be nominated.

After a show I saw you standing near me and you didn’t say hi. What did that mean?

It meant you weren’t a hot chick I was trying to have sex with.

Do you get lots of chicks after shows?

No. And my chances are only slightly better before the show.

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