Saturday, March 26, 2011

Phrases that Need to be Retired

Second place is the first loser.

As we go to print, there is still not one documented case of an actual winner using this phrase. In reality, those who say it are ironclad losers trying to sound like their life is one big trophy case.

Size matters.

You will find this sentence in every commercial and magazine article, yet writers and advertisers present it like they're breaking a taboo. Even worse is the way they act like there is still some debate raging about whether size matters. I should capitalize by selling bumper stickers that say: "Size matters…and I vote!"

Palin is dumb.

I'm not sure who is dumber; Palin, or the people who say this like it is an original thought. When I hear this line, I reply with the equally insightful, "Wrestling is fake."

I like real women.

A guy usually states this at high volume in the presence of a girl who is self-conscious about her weight (i.e., every girl). And if he's really feeling it, he adds the old "emaciated women are disgusting" chestnut, followed by a shot at a "disgusting" chick like Heather Graham. Of course Heather Graham would actually be his first choice, but Ms. Graham would never settle for this pandering rube. So to score points with the human fish bowl he might have a prayer with, he pretends he is not "shallow" by saying he prefers the look of a “real” woman. Somehow everyone misses the fact that a preference for the "real" look is still a judgment based on looks. Wake up and smell the coffee ice cream.

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