Sunday, October 30, 2011

I know why the married man leers

There is a common perception that married men are more respectful and respectable than single men. More polite. More courteous towards women. Having been around lots of married guys and having seen a few friends make the switch from bachelorhood to husbanddom, I respectfully disagree (which I wouldn't be able to pull off if I were married).

The most shocking and lecherous comments I have witnessed have come from the mouths of married men. This may seem counterintuitive. Isn’t marriage supposed to civilize the male libido?

I believe married men are more openly perverse because they don’t have to play the role of the merry, non-threatening guy women might like to go home with. Single men on the other hand are still on the prowl, so in order to seduce women they must carry themselves with a little more decorum. If you’re actively trying to pick up a gal, you can’t open by saying, “I want to bang you ‘til your hips break.”

Married men are (usually) out of the hunt, so they don’t have to pretend to be decent chaps, hence their tendency to ogle and grope.

Also, as every married man complains, once you leave the chapel, the sex you and your lady once had stays behind in said chapel. So being lecherous becomes your primary means of sexual expression.

But aren’t a lot of single guys equally celibate? Ja, si, and yes, but when you’re a single man, at least in your head there is always the possibility of sex. You don’t feel so cut off from the world of carnal release. Married guys get married thinking it is the best way to secure consistent sex, only to discover they’ve walled off their sexual options for nothing. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that sexual claustrophobia seldom leads to gentlemanly behavior.

Single or married, my tweets are golden:​!/greatMikePayne

Thursday, October 27, 2011

No Prenup, No Peace

Males, I am about to give you the most important retirement tip you will ever receive. Do not get married without a prenup. Ever. I'll say it again for the guys who like to feel strong and old-fashioned: Do not ever get married without a prenup.

I don't care if you are both on welfare. If you get divorced, she'll walk away with all your government cheese.

Even the male feminists who spend 23 hours a day regretting their testicles are vaguely aware that the alimony system is rigged against them. What they may not understand is why.

Alimony originated before women were routinely part of the workforce, so the system developed to subsidize women who wouldn't otherwise have an income. Of course that has changed, but the courts haven't caught up with the times. In fact, the alimony system has merely worsened as part of the overall American trend toward excessive, predatory litigation.

Now our old-fashioned friend Johnny Broad Shoulders is asking himself: "What does this have to do with me?"

Well Jonathan, you too are likely to end up divorced.

The divorce rate in America for first marriages isn't far from 50%, and statistically, that is your best shot at getting it right. After the first flop, each subsequent knot-tie becomes more and more precarious. Hear that gambling fiends? Next time a friend makes his second stumble down the aisle, blaze a trail to the nearest bookie and bet the farm on a nasty split. It is the surest bet you will ever make.

Now Johnny B. is muttering aloud: "Okay, so divorce is the rule, not the exception, and courts punish men disproportionately, but how does this fit into my retirement portfolio?"

Here's how. The days of traditional retirement are over. Social Security? CANNOT BE FIXED. Private sector pension plans? Might make a comeback about the same time as the Studebaker. Dollar-denominated assets? There’s a reason four of the faces on our currency are also on the side of a cliff.

In other words, the traditional paths to retirement have been pulverized, and there is no turning back the clock. What that means is the only form of retirement you can hope for is one financed by a nest egg of your own device.

Establishing that nest egg is becoming harder, as people are living longer and are therefore in need of a larger cash pool to pull them through their lengthened winter years. So Johnny Broad, when you hit 65 and are thinking it might be nice to cease being an Excel slave, you're going to need a fat pile of completely self-generated capital to undo the spreadsheet shackles. And guess what: if you have to start from scratch at 42 because the former Mrs. Broad Shoulders defoliated your bank account, YOU AREN'T GOING TO MAKE IT. YOU WILL WORK UNTIL YOU DIE. Any tax savings accrued from being married will be more than plundered by the long hard march through divorce.

Now J.B. Shoulders, Jr. thinks it over and says: "But isn't asking her to sign a prenup a signal I don't think it's going to last?"

Her not signing a prenup is a signal she doesn't think it is going to last. If she is so convinced you two are forever, why should she be gun-shy about signing something she'll never have to use? All you are doing is documenting that the marriage is based on love, not money, which is a true sign of romance. Get on one knee and have her sign it with a platinum pen.

Think it through, gentlemen. Is it worth losing most of your assets because some chick hates you for not transforming her into a fairy princess? Is it acceptable to work until you're 110 so your mom can see you in a tux for a few hours? Besides, men only get married for the sex, so what alimony amounts to is a tax on the male sex drive (yet another slap in the face to the Founding Fathers).

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Occupy Sallie Mae

I find it funny that one of the most recited Occupy Wall Street demands is that all student loan debt should be forgiven. So basically, these anti-bailout protesters are demanding a bailout.

I don't want to bail out the banks either, but I also don't want to bail out some guy who majored in Origami History. Oh, you mean that folding paper thing didn't lead to six figures? Guess you focused on the wrong kind of paper shuffling...

Occupy Main Street via my tweets:!/greatMikePayne

Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Anti-Bunker Mentality

We have all seen pictures of those Cold War bomb shelters, the nuclear fallout bunkers Americans were at least tacitly encouraged to have. Back then, bunker-folk were excused (commended?) for preparing intensely for disaster, because the disaster they were trying to protect themselves against was a threat from a foreign, authoritarian government (the Soviet Union).

Today, engaging in bunker-like preparations--stocking up on food, gold, and other supplies—gets you ridiculed as a paranoid kook…despite the fact that previously unthinkable disasters are occurring all around us. Multiple DEVELOPED WORLD governments are on the brink of collapse. Multiple “democratic” countries have people screaming in the streets. And when those "progressive," "economically advanced" governments go, they’re going to take multiple big banks down with them. But wait, there’s more: The US government is killing American citizens in plain view without due process. And with all that madness happening we’re supposed to mock someone for buying canned food?

The main difference between the bunker-folk of yesteryear and those of today: today’s bunker-builders are attempting to shield themselves against the failures and aggressions of supposedly “democratic” governments (including the USA). That is something worshippers of the modern nanny state just can’t stomach.

Stock up on my tweets:!/greatMikePayne

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Fortunate Departed

Whenever someone dies, observers go to great lengths to assure everyone "He's in a better place." Even the non-religious will offer statements like "Now the pain is over." So in effect they are saying the deceased is better off dead.

AND YET...had that guy killed himself rather than wait for nature to take its course, those same observers would have stood around shaking their heads saying, "Why did he do it? Why did he do it?!"

Even as they acknowledge that the corpse is better off as a corpse, most people still can't fathom the idea of inflicting your own death. They can't fathom that someone would purposefully trigger the pain-relieving oblivion they acknowledge is for the best. If you concede that someone is better off dead, why are you shocked by the thought of that person AGREEING WITH YOU so wholeheartedly that he takes his own life?

I guess this explains why there are so few entrepreneurs in the world. Too few people understand the real value of DIY. They wait around for everything, including death, to come to them.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Why we keep going back to dystopian futures

Today I read an article in Wired about H.G. Wells and why "we keep coming back" to his dystopian visions. Putting aside the possibility that maybe his dystopian fiction was simply more compelling than his utopian fiction, let's remember why fiction exists in the first place...

Fiction is often called escapism, as in an escape from reality. No one tries to escape a world they like. Contentment doesn't lead to fiction being written or read. And if you hate the world as it is and want to see it wrecked, it isn't hard to see why dystopian fiction would appeal to you.

But couldn't this disposition also drive you to utopian fiction? Of course. But remember, when you're miserable, you don't necessarily want to dream of a better tomorrow. Much more satisfying to see everything destroyed so you can say "I told you so!" (H.G. Wells' epitaph: "I told you so, you damned fools.") Truly miserable people don't want a utopia that is going to deliver the whole human race, morons included. Utopia isn't any fun if your enemies get to enjoy it too.

And as the article points out, the darkest philosophical elements of Wells' visions are left out of the movies. The adaptations allude to these elements in the broadest sense, if at all. So perhaps we just keep "going back" because novels like War of the Worlds (dystopian or not) have become brand names that instantly get our attention. I would bet a big swath of the War of the Worlds film audience found Independence Day similarly entertaining.

The Tweets of the Gods can be found at!/greatMikePayne

Thursday, October 6, 2011

If you care about someone, never say "CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS?"

The other day a woman gave me the old “Let’s be friends” kiss off. Why do people still bother with the "friendship" alibi? Neither of us got into this looking for a friend. We got into this looking for romance, so why bother pretending either of us actually thinks friendship is a suitable compromise? It's not like we met on

Besides, I've already carved her name across my chest. We can't go back to being text buddies.

Instead of wasting time on the "Let's be friends" charade, why can’t people just say: "Nice meeting you, but there are other people I'd rather have sex with while I'm still hot enough to pull it off."

And believe me, she wouldn’t want to be my friend. I treat my friends like donated pillowcases. The only reason I was nice to her is because I wanted her to be my girlfriend. If she had been my friend, all that stuff I consoled her about would have had me rolling on the ground laughing.

Furthermore, she hasn't even met my friends. If she did, she'd quickly understand it isn't a club she'd want to be in.

Monday, October 3, 2011

The Best Part of Waking Up

Insomnia has been with me from the start. As a kid, I was always the last one awake during sleepovers. [How awkward is that? One minute you're having an exciting conversation in the dark and the next you're alone in the gloom talking to yourself...perfect training for blogging...] I traded youthful rosy cheeks for chilly raccoon eyes.

As someone with insomnia, I detested mornings, and although I didn't go around saying "I'm not a morning person," I sympathized with those who did.

These days I prefer mornings. Morning is better because there is plenty of casual disorder to distract you from your angst. You're jumping out of bed, you're hitting the shower, you're shaving, you're brushing your teeth, you're searching for your iPhone, you're cursing your wife for living to see another day. Hardly a second to reflect on your failures.

"I'm not a morning person" is something people declare proudly. You rarely hear "I'm not an evening person." Puzzling when you consider how many songs, paintings, and stories there are about the oppressive texture of the night (including quite direct ones like "Help Me Make It Through the Night". There aren't many songs pleading, "Help Me Make It Through the Morning".

And you certainly aren't likely to hear a reference to the promise of the morning. As long as there is light there is day, and with that there is still hope of accomplishing something, and morning is where it all begins. Once night settles in, the race is over.

As evening comes the sadness of a day of letdowns wiggles in like a slug. Evening is the end of the light. Morning is the light at the end of the tunnel. I'll raise my morning cup of coffee to that.

Go to sleep reading my Twitter feed:!/greatMikePayne