Wednesday, July 4, 2012


When I was a child, I remember hearing repeatedly that Sophia Loren was "still the most beautiful woman in the world." At that time, Ms. Loren was in her mid-fifties. Even as a kid, I remember being infuriated by this statement. Clearly, a woman with both feet in menopause could not be Earth's finest female specimen.

Today when I hear this kind of mumbo jumbo I start ranting like Mussolini in a Red Bull commercial. Younger women should be ranting too; this statement is a grave insult to them. Seniority and experience have no place in the beauty world. Older women, even former bombshells, even former "most beautiful women in the world" are typically much, much, much less attractive than even average young women.

Young lasses, even homely ones, have the world on a leash, but they only hold that leash for a few fleeting years. Precious few of them understand this. And society's constant fibs about older women "still having it" certainly doesn't help, which is why younger women are even less likely to appreciate and leverage their powers...until it is too late.

And stop me if you've heard this outrageous claim: Tina Turner "still having great legs." What brand of aphrodesciac-laced crack are these commentators smoking? By the time I was old enough to know who Tina Turner was she already should have been confined to pant suits. Why were we all supposed to pretend not to notice that the ship had sailed on Tina's yams? Ms. Turner absolutely did not continue to have good legs any more than Joe DiMaggio continued to hit home runs. At least no one pretended that a rickety old Yankee Clipper could have stepped into the batter's box against Pedro Martinez. I would have rather had sex with Ike Turner.

Yes, the mid-fiftes Sophia Loren I saw as a child did look good for a woman her age, but that is the most that can be said. Almost any 20-year-old woman would have been far superior to this former bombshell. The only thing that ages like wine is wine.

It is true that once in a rare while a woman manages to remain beautiful long after you would expect her to (Marisa Tomei). And she does this how? Not by "growing into her looks." No...she remains beautiful by continuing to look more or less the way she did when she was young.

Let it be shouted from every rooftop: in her prime, Sophia Loren was the second most attractive woman ever captured on film. Luckily, we live in the age of YouTube and Google Images so that we can continue to enjoy her as she was then.