Sunday, February 17, 2013

Collagen Lips Sink Chicks

Every woman in Manhattan has at least one nosejob under her belt. Some have three or four. It's like their noses are some kind of weed that keeps growing back and requires constant trimming. Because of this, whenever I leave Manhattan one of the first things I notice are women with their original noses. I have come to find untouched noses somewhat exotic.

That said, I've made peace with nosejobs. Manhattan has more broken bridges than a Sherman campaign, so I've accepted that if I'm going to keep living in New York, NY, I'm going to have to get used to cutting myself on artificially pointy noses (I now put on safety goggles before each kiss).

What I won't make peace with are lip implants. These things look horrendous 100% of the time. Whenever I see a lipjob coming my way I take cover in the nearest alley.

When I encounter a lipjob my first thought is that I looked too quickly. Surely her lips couldn't really look THAT bad, right? After a second look I'm thinking: Is it a makeup job from an Ed Wood movie? Did she accidentally glue a rubber coin purse to her face? By the third look I'm reaching for my camera phone so I can share this cosmetic tragedy with the world.

Breast implants at least make sense on paper, but who is getting excited about plus size lips? I can't recall a single time I've heard a guy brag about dating a woman who needs a paint roller to apply chapstick.

Remember how everyone always raved about Sheryl Crow's incredible lips? Well if you recall, Ms. Crow's lips were not large. They were pert.

I believe Sheryl Crow* won some award like Sexiest Mouth in Music. Or maybe it was Sexiest Mouth in Rock. Or maybe is what Sexiest Mouth on a Woman Who Dated a Steroid Fiend (which would actually be impressive considering she'd be beating a field full of athlete trophy wives). Whatever the award was, Crow's pert, medium sized lips look a helluva lot better than the Dr. Frankenstein experiment that is Lana Del Ray.

If you're an average looking woman who thinks she needs an edge, here's what you do: WORK OUT LIKE A MANIAC and get your body into decent shape. A tight figure (especially in this age of hyperflab) will make you a far rarer commodity than a woman with lips that stop traffic for the wrong reasons.

By the way, the lip implant trend does not bode well for the future. One day all these women getting lipjobs are going to be old grannies. The rest of their face will have shrunken, making their non-biodegradable lips look even more monstrous. Remember how when you were a kid your biggest fear was getting a kiss from granny? Well the next generation of kids are going to be forced to kiss grannies with lips that start at their chin and end at their forehead. Not gonna be pretty.

*By the way, Sheryl Crow is still pretty hot. I should have included her in my tribute to women who never hit the wall.

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