Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Why You Should Oppose Sunsets

Being human means being pressured to appreciate sunsets. Sunsets are found on postcards, Taco Bell wallpaper, graffiti paintings by disadvantaged urban youths, and other surfaces that lack imagination.

The occasional sunset might be pleasant, but every chemically balanced person should object to them on general principle. Sunsets mean the disappearance of the sun; nature's happy pill. Does having the sky resemble a bad tie-dye t-shirt for 45 minutes really justify all the subsequent hours of mocking darkness? I think not.

It is unnatural to celebrate when joyous things come to an end. Do you sob with glee when you're putting the rocky road back in the freezer? When a woman is putting her pants back on after a one night stand, are you like, "Wow this is best part, let me grab my canvas and brushes!" No. There's a reason why women putting their pants back on is the only part of life that hasn't become a porn sensation.

I don't understand why we're not using today's technology to put an end to sunsets. I don't want to see an iPhone 6 until they've discovered a way for me to calibrate the Earth's movements so that it is sunny all the time wherever I am (if the iPhone 6 has that feature, fair enough).

I will no longer remain silent in the face of pro-darkness fascism. I hope to have your support at the next anti-sunset referendum.

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