Sunday, June 2, 2013

Five new cocktail names that'll give you a buzz just by ordering them

Visit any bar nowadays, dive or posh, and you'll see a drink menu with cocktail names you're grandparents would recognize. As I walk the streets of Manhattan (the city, not the cocktail), I commonly pass bars with sidewalk chalkboards advertising specials for their latest outrageously named libation experiments; Panty Droppers, Dead Nazi, Hanky-Panky, Orgasm.

Well, good news alcoholic readers: I've decided to open my own bar (it will either be called Cures for the Problems of Existence or Once You Go Blackout) featuring my own list of drinks with over-the-top names:

Sex On the Stairs:

6 oz Jägermeister
1 oz tequila.

Adjust according to taste and how sober you must be to navigate said stairs.

The 47-Year-Old Bachelor Who Frequently Visits Miami:

1 oz Crème de Noyaux
1 oz Crème de Cacao
1 oz heavy cream

You'll notice this recipe has exactly the same ingredients as a Pink Squirrel. This is not a coincidence.

The Progressive:

2 oz lime juice
2 oz grapefruit juice
2 teaspoons salt
2 teaspoons sugar
2 oz gin
2 oz Peppermint Schnapps

These ingredients don't blend at all, do they? Silly bigot: don't you know that everything should be mixed with everything!!!

Fake Sophistication:

1 oz faddish wine white
1 oz faddish red wine
1 oz pretentious, hard to find single malt with name even Scottish people can't pronounce
3 oz beer microbrewed beer from a town of no more than 600 residents

For the discriminating faux discriminator who can't decide which kind of alcohol to feign a deep interest in. Half price if the customer orders while lamenting the popularity of the Hunger Games series. 

Final Alimony Payment:

Pink champagne served in a glass shaped like broken handcuffs.

In order to be served a Last Alimony Payment, a patron must provide written proof he's made his last payment, and must be accompanied by no fewer than three prostitutes. Available with or without penicillin.

Belly up to my Twitter feed:

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