Saturday, September 21, 2013

Why women can't "get lucky"

You know the Four Horsemen are just around the corner when women start using male sex slang and it isn't a scene in a bad comedy. The irony is gone, and the true substance of the slang has evaporated with it.

The worst example: women talking about "getting lucky." I used to hear women say this as a punchline (it was a simpler time). Now they say it like they invented it. The expression is annoying enough when men use it. Now it's gone co-ed, and when I hear a woman say it I am temporarily transformed into a eunuch.

Let's review this again: any woman under sixty can walk into any bar (or restaurant, or grocery store, or ice cream truck, or children's' hospital, or air traffic control center) and pick up a man whenever she wants. When a woman propositions a man, no matter what, he at least thinks about it (doesn't happen the other way around). She has almost as much power in this area as an old school sheikh. The world is her harem.

When you can do something effortlessly whenever you want, IT NO LONGER QUALIFIES AS GETTING LUCKY.

There is nothing lucky about a woman hooking up. In terms of sexual power, women get lucky by being born a woman. Women are born with the winning lotto numbers. The female body is a royal flush, 21, a 3-point shot, and checkmate rolled into one. Men aren't born with the sexual wind at their back. When men play the sexual numbers game, we usually come up snake eyes. This is why we feel so LUCKY when we're successful.

I have not yet heard women talk about "making it to first base" or "hitting a home run," but I am waiting with a sick, burning feeling in my stomach for this to emerge as a debilitating fact of life. Once again, such slang will be unnecessary, because there is no such thing as "rounding the bases" when you can start on home plate and stay there all nine innings.

Anyone who follows me on Twitter is getting lucky:

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