Monday, September 2, 2013

You Can't Go Home with Her Again

Watching women as they walk by is one of about four things that keeps me from sticking my head into a self-made guillotine (though when it comes to guillotines, DIY isn't a good idea. Do yourself a favor and splurge on the Ferrari head remover. You're worth it.). When you're in a bar enjoying this life-affirming pastime, it is common to hear a married man say: "Man, I wish I was single again..."

Married men believe going back to bachelorhood automatically means the swinging, single life. They have forgotten all the years of going home at 3:00 AM drunk, disappointed, and sans senorita. They have forgotten the thou$ands they spent spinning their wheels with women who never had the tiniest intention of pleasing them in any way. One reason many men get married is because they are sick of the chase and want to assure themselves easy access to a woman.

We forget the failures and place halos over the successes. But even if the successes were plentiful, what many married men forget is...

...they aren't 22 any more. Those young, attractive women walking by? Unless you're eye-spanking them as a married Rob Lowe, your chances are slim.

An older married men assumes the only barrier between him and nubile, uninhibited women is that he's married. Tragically, the only thing that makes an older man attractive is that he's married; i.e., responsible. Once that illusion plummets down the elevator shaft, he is just a regular 38-year-old, complete with receding hairline, billowing gut, and jokes that were old when he was young.

You must remember that although your preference for young, hot women hasn't changed, your body has. So even if you became single again, you'd be stuck with women your own age (who usually resemble the wife you're dying to escape from), the occasional loony young woman in search of a daddy, and women older than you. Unfortunately, the Mrs. Robinson scenario loses its appeal when bedding a woman twenty years your senior means dragging home a woman who remembers the telegraph.

Trust me, your second bachelorhood would be a tarnished brass version of the golden dream you're imagining. If you're a married man who wants to play the field, stay married and get a mistress. Someday I'll have a daytime talk show where I can dispense this indispensable advice.

My Twitter feed is able to juggle a harem and mistresses of every shade:

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