Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Seven candies that are harming society

1) Candy corn

Candy corn is the only candy where the candied version is less of a treat than the actual vegetable. But if you get a pile of these non-treats, don't despair. They make for excellent earplugs.

2) Mounds

No one ever eats Mounds. Instead, they collect their Mounds and immediately try to barter with them on the secondary market. Trouble is, you can never get the other kids to trade you anything for a Mounds. Bitcoin gets fewer upturned noses. If you're lucky, there'll be a clueless foreign exchange student in your school you can trick into swapping a Mounds for something respectable. But be aware of the risk he reports you to the embassy.

3) Mallo Cups

Don't let the cup shape fool you into thinking you're about to experience candy bliss. Mallo Cups resemble black holes for a reason. Every Halloween there are warnings about dangerous candy stuffed with razor blades. Mallo Cups are actually much more dangerous to the giver, because if you give someone a Mallo Cup with a blade in it they'll probably use it to shiv you. Actually, a Mallo Cup with a switchblade center isn't so bad. At least if you cut your tongue off you never have to worry about reliving the horror of tasting Mallo Cups.

4) Bit-O-Honey

I don't understand how these things continue to survive. I never see them in stores. I never see anyone eating them. Yet every Halloween you're sure to get three or four in your pillowcase. They only seem to appear on Halloween. Sounds like a zombie movie. If only Bit-O-Honeys were as tasty as human brain.

5) Sugar Daddy

Delicious financial arrangement, disgusting candy.

6) Raisinets

How bad are Raisinets? You've heard that the natives sold Manhattan for $24. Well, the original offer was for $10 billion and a box of Raisinets. You can see why the natives renegotiated.

7) Mary Jane

The horrible name is just the beginning. Taffy in any form is a dealbreaker. No one craves taffy. Taffy is never served for dessert. You never visit a friend's house and find a candy bowl full of taffy on the coffee table. In an age where ice cream now contains every imaginable foodstuff ("I'll have the Pesticide Swirl with nightcrawler sprinkles, please."), you never see ice cream with taffy in it. So how could anyone be cruel enough to give these things to unsuspecting children? I guess barbarism lives. The only upside to these killjoys is that they're guaranteed to knock out a few teeth, so at least you'll have some tooth fairy money you can use to go buy some real candy.
7) Any candy that requires modification

How many times have you heard "Aw dude, ___ are so much better when you freeze them," or "Trust me, ____ are great if you dip them in peanut butter."

Yeah, of course it is better because then it's a totally different candy. It's like saying: "My wife is super hot, if you picture her with breast implants, full body lipo, and a face transplant from a model."

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