Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Why bald people don't have chips on their shoulder (only lost hairs)

Bald people seem better adjusted than fat people; far less hung up on their cosmetic shortcoming. Toupees and hairplugs exist, but the bulging lack of confidence seen in fat people seriously outweighs that of your average bald man.

I think this is because when you're a kid - the time when you're the most vulnerable, the time when you're ridiculed the most, the time that seems to haunt people forever - you have hair. You aren't branded the bald kid in gym class, the bald kid on the bus, the bald kid standing alone in the corner during the prom. The enfeebling insults kids absorb during their school years don't include names like "baldie" because no one goes bald during their school years. The insults you endure at 25 don't twist your self-image the way they do at 15, and at 15, you still have hair.

And as you age, most of your peers go bald too, so there isn't the same bell curve for hair that there is for weight among school kids. Most of your peers also gain weight, but it is usually easy to distinguish between the people who were fat in school and got fatter in adulthood from the people who were thin in school and became fat as adults.

But all is not lost for our obese friends. You can lose weight as you enter adulthood and greatly upgrade your place in the cosmetic pecking order. But for bald guys, once those first few hairs abandon ship, you are officially past your prime. Better hope there are some big girls left for you to target.

My Twitter feed is still thin and sporting a pompadour:

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