ARE YOU TRYING TO DISGUST ME, MRS. ROBINSON?

When I was a child, I remember hearing repeatedly that Sophia Loren was "still the most beautiful woman in the world." At that time, Ms. Loren was in her mid-fifties. Even as a kid, I remember being infuriated by this statement. Clearly, a woman with both feet in menopause could not be Earth's finest female specimen.

Today when I hear this kind of mumbo jumbo I start ranting like Mussolini in a Red Bull commercial. Younger women should be ranting too; this statement is a grave insult to them. Seniority and experience have no place in the beauty world. Older women, even former bombshells, even former "most beautiful women in the world" are typically much, much, much less attractive than even average young women.

Young lasses, even homely ones, have the world on a leash, but they only hold that leash for a few fleeting years. Precious few of them understand this. And society's constant fibs about older women "still having it" certainly doesn't help, which is why younger women are even less likely to appreciate and leverage their powers...until it is too late.

And stop me if you've heard this outrageous claim: Tina Turner "still having great legs." What brand of aphrodesciac-laced crack are these commentators smoking? By the time I was old enough to know who Tina Turner was she already should have been confined to pant suits. Why were we all supposed to pretend not to notice that the ship had sailed on Tina's yams? Ms. Turner absolutely did not continue to have good legs any more than Joe DiMaggio continued to hit home runs. At least no one pretended that a rickety old Yankee Clipper could have stepped into the batter's box against Pedro Martinez. I would have rather had sex with Ike Turner.

Yes, the mid-fiftes Sophia Loren I saw as a child did look good for a woman her age, but that is the most that can be said. Almost any 20-year-old woman would have been far superior to this former bombshell. The only thing that ages like wine is wine.

It is true that once in a rare while a woman manages to remain beautiful long after you would expect her to (Marisa Tomei). And she does this how? Not by "growing into her looks." No...she remains beautiful by continuing to look more or less the way she did when she was young.

Let it be shouted from every rooftop: in her prime, Sophia Loren was the second most attractive woman ever captured on film. Luckily, we live in the age of YouTube and Google Images so that we can continue to enjoy her as she was then.

Hot Women who Never Hit the Wall

Beauty doesn’t last forever, and sometimes, it barely lasts at all. At some point, most women seem to undergo an abrupt change for the worse. Even beautiful women. One minute they’re hot enough to power Satan’s tanning bed and the next minute they’re just another face in the crowd. It isn’t easy to explain, and isn’t always a function of age. And once that special something vanishes, it never seems to reappear. My friends and I call it “hitting the wall.”

Occasionally there are stunners who dodge Father Time’s cruel machinations and retain the freshness that made them stand out from the other standouts. Some that come to mind:

Chris Evert: Tennis champ, girl next door, and the reason white skirts were invented. The fact that she has aged so well is even more remarkable when you consider how much time she spent in the sun. Ms. Evert played her best tennis at the French Open, where she even managed to appear ladylike while covered in red clay. There is a mud wrestling joke to be made here, but we’ll swerve around it out of respect for this classy specimen.

Alyssa Milano: Definite contender for most attractive Alyssa of all time. A woman whose looks remained top floor even as her career hid in the basement. Usually when the resume gets spotty, the face follows suit. Not in this case. A woman who looks dirty and sweet with her sex drive on repeat. And being a vegetarian, you know the wet spot wouldn’t smell like nitrates.

Marisa Tomei: This perennial knockout might even be getting better with age. And allegedly, she has a lust for uncool sitcom characters. Given my resemblance to Bud Bundy, it is virtually impossible for me not to be in there.

Salma Hayek: In the truly elite stratum of cartoonish sex appeal. Still going strong at 44, motherhood and all. So smokin’ that a source close to the U.N. tells me they are considering a bill that would change the expression to “Gentlemen prefer brunettes.”

Faye Dunaway: So hot in Bonnie and Clyde she should have been preserved in amber and used to create a Jurassic Park full of hot chicks. So hot in Chinatown she made an already tragic story more tragic. You have heard of cheekbones that could cut diamonds. Unlike diamonds, Ms. Dunaway’s cheekbones truly are priceless. It has been said that Helen of Troy had “a face that launched a thousand ships.” If Helen had gone clubbing with Dunaway, she would have spent the first half of the night buying her own drinks and the second half alone at home, wearing sweatpants and reading The Bell Jar for the 75th time.



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