Your Definitive Online Dating Translator

Online dating is becoming more normal all the time. The transition has been swift. If you were on Yahoo Match way back when, it was only one step above calling a phone sex line. Not so today.

Though online dating has become more normal, women haven't, so their online dating profiles are a mess of contradictions that can be tough to navigate if you're a novice. Everyone already knows that "full figured" means fat, but there are lots of other important words and phrases to beware of:

I'm brash=I'm loud and dumb.

I'm really into sports=I'm going to memorize one player's name and pester you with irrelevant questions about him until you finally stop caring about the game.

I'm ambitious=I'm going to keep shoehorning my accomplishments into the conversation as though you were looking for a one night stand with my resume rather than me. I will probably also declare--unironically--that I hate arrogant men.

I'm a foodie=I'm going to drag you to lots of restaurants where we'll stand on line for food neither of us actually cares about, all because a Facebook review raved about a sandwich I wouldn't eat for free at home. And though all I do is brag about the burden of having a refined palate, if you blindfolded me I couldn't tell the difference between a bowl of SpaghettiOs and a pasta dish cooked in the Trevi Fountain.

Chivalry isn't dead=I have contrived a list of arbitrary things you must do only so I will have a handy list of things to complain about when I describe you to my equally nitckpicky friends. You might intently listen to me sit at a bar babbling about my theories on crocheting, but if you didn't open the door to said bar you're a inconsiderate guy. And by the way, if you looked like George Clooney, you could slam every door in my face and I would still beg you to let me blow you through the mail slot.

I care about social justice=I once vacationed for three days in a Third World country and forgot to get vaccinated for Buttinski Syndrome, so now I want to apply my tourist's knowledge of four square miles of Nicargua to society as a whole. And lest you think I wasn't fully immersed, did I mention I took high school Spanish?  

Must get along with my dog=My dog, the one who was tortured and abused and starved by humans for six years before I rescued him, the one who has the eyes of a Marine who did a tour of Vietnam AND Korea, is an excellent judge of strange men who come through the door at 3:00 in the morning.


One more thing: If women's online dating profiles are to be believed, all it takes to get laid is knowing the difference between "your" and you're," so a little extra editing will mean a lot more hookups.

Foodies will eat anything because they'll believe anything

Manhattan is famous for its quaint little specialty restaurants. Some are enjoyable. Who doesn't love a Hungarian deli? But lately the lovable shops have become outnumbered by surreal foodie hubs that appeal to a total of four freakish palettes. The specialty shops have gone from specializing to festishizing.

You walk through the Village these days and encounter tempting delights like:

Crepes and Capers!

Cayenne Muffin Sliders

Mama's Grilled Cheese Milkshakes (served by poodles on mopeds)

None sound appealing, but because they're so specialized, foodies (who claim not to fall for America's unfortunate eating trends) can't help themselves.

A perfect example of this is The Meatball Shop. People keep harassing me to try it. I have asked those who have gone there: before The Meatball Shop, when was the last time you had a meatball sandwich?

I don't know, 15 years?

SO WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN LINE FOR 20 MINUTES TO GET ONE NOW?!

But all they do is meatballs! It must be good!!!

You hate meatballs! And you're a vegan!

Yeah, but you can get vegan meatballs!

If you have to get a fake version of the restaurant's specialty to justify going there, you shouldn't be going there. I don't care if Groupon had a special.

I'm going to open a restaurant that only serves school lunch food. That's right. The kind of crap that made you gag when you were in school...now it's at a restaurant! Complete with angry, wart-laced lunch ladies and warped plastic trays that have been in use since the Civil War.

Of course, too much choice is better than too little. Better to roll your eyes at New York's fetishistic cuisine than to be stranded in some part of the country where they really do Thank Goodness It's Friday.

Um waiter, the fly in my soup isn't a tsetse!

I have decided that food snobs are the most obnoxious snobs of all. Food snobs—FOODIES—are fast becoming the new metrosexuals.

When did food snobbery become a national pastime? People used to bond over awful food experiences, like eating Ramen Noodles in college. Now they bond over their hatred of people who don’t “get” flatbread.

And foodies always become the giddiest over the silliest dishes, like toast. "Okay, my perfect recipe for toast? Here goes: pita bread, with pesto, butternut squash, vegan bacon, and horseradish made from Secretariat!"

Yeah, that's no longer toast...

Foodies also won't just accept that you don't like what they like. If you tell them you don't like falafel, get ready to hear: "You don't like falafel?! Oh, that's because you just don’t know how to fix it!" or "You're just not going to the right restaurants!"

What are you, the hummus whisperer?