Online dating is becoming more normal all the time. The transition has been swift. If you were on Yahoo Match way back when, it was only one step above calling a phone sex line. Not so today.
Though online dating has become more normal, women haven't, so their online dating profiles are a mess of contradictions that can be tough to navigate if you're a novice. Everyone already knows that "full figured" means fat, but there are lots of other important words and phrases to beware of:
I'm brash=I'm loud and dumb.
I'm really into sports=I'm going to memorize one player's name and pester you with irrelevant questions about him until you finally stop caring about the game.
I'm ambitious=I'm going to keep shoehorning my accomplishments into the conversation as though you were looking for a one night stand with my resume rather than me. I will probably also declare--unironically--that I hate arrogant men.
I'm a foodie=I'm going to drag you to lots of restaurants where we'll stand on line for food neither of us actually cares about, all because a Facebook review raved about a sandwich I wouldn't eat for free at home. And though all I do is brag about the burden of having a refined palate, if you blindfolded me I couldn't tell the difference between a bowl of SpaghettiOs and a pasta dish cooked in the Trevi Fountain.
Chivalry isn't dead=I have contrived a list of arbitrary things you must do only so I will have a handy list of things to complain about when I describe you to my equally nitckpicky friends. You might intently listen to me sit at a bar babbling about my theories on crocheting, but if you didn't open the door to said bar you're a inconsiderate guy. And by the way, if you looked like George Clooney, you could slam every door in my face and I would still beg you to let me blow you through the mail slot.
I care about social justice=I once vacationed for three days in a Third World country and forgot to get vaccinated for Buttinski Syndrome, so now I want to apply my tourist's knowledge of four square miles of Nicargua to society as a whole. And lest you think I wasn't fully immersed, did I mention I took high school Spanish?
Must get along with my dog=My dog, the one who was tortured and abused and starved by humans for six years before I rescued him, the one who has the eyes of a Marine who did a tour of Vietnam AND Korea, is an excellent judge of strange men who come through the door at 3:00 in the morning.
One more thing: If women's online dating profiles are to be believed, all it takes to get laid is knowing the difference between "your" and you're," so a little extra editing will mean a lot more hookups.
Showing posts with label one night stands. Show all posts
Showing posts with label one night stands. Show all posts
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
Another Old Wives' Tale Debunked
You can tell how a man is in bed by how he dances.
This is an old wives' tale that shows why no one listens to old wives. So if a guy does a mean limbo, it means he doesn't struggle with premature ejaculation? And a gentleman who can tango is less likely to have a defective unit (if anything, a man who voluntarily tangos probably has some damage down below that could lead to a lucrative malpractice suit. Gives new meaning to the phrase sitting on a goldmine...).
And why doesn't it work the other way? Seems to me you can probably tell more about a woman's sexual abilities--flexibility, ability to absorb impact (if the woman you're dancing with takes punishment like a tackling dummy, you're in for a good night)--by watching her dance than you can from watching a man boogie.
Men don't tell old wives' tales because men are 1,000 times better at profiling. If a woman is a cold fish at the bar, a man knows she's going to be a cold fish when you get her home. If her whole body quakes each you brush her finger, you know her body is a one big, raw erogenous zone. If she has an Adam's Apple that extends past her overbite, she's probably isn't a she.
Men don't turn the obvious into a "CSI" episode, and when a woman's sexual disposition isn't obvious, men don't resort to bizarre numerology involving how far apart her nipples are. When a man is on the prowl, his mind is occupied with trying to figure out which of the sixteen fake versions of himself he's going to need to display to take that woman home. He doesn't have time to glean esoteric info. from her eyebrows.
The You can tell how a man is in bed by how he dances old wives' tale should suffer the same fate as actual old wives; permanent exile to the fringes of society.
This is an old wives' tale that shows why no one listens to old wives. So if a guy does a mean limbo, it means he doesn't struggle with premature ejaculation? And a gentleman who can tango is less likely to have a defective unit (if anything, a man who voluntarily tangos probably has some damage down below that could lead to a lucrative malpractice suit. Gives new meaning to the phrase sitting on a goldmine...).
And why doesn't it work the other way? Seems to me you can probably tell more about a woman's sexual abilities--flexibility, ability to absorb impact (if the woman you're dancing with takes punishment like a tackling dummy, you're in for a good night)--by watching her dance than you can from watching a man boogie.
Men don't tell old wives' tales because men are 1,000 times better at profiling. If a woman is a cold fish at the bar, a man knows she's going to be a cold fish when you get her home. If her whole body quakes each you brush her finger, you know her body is a one big, raw erogenous zone. If she has an Adam's Apple that extends past her overbite, she's probably isn't a she.
Men don't turn the obvious into a "CSI" episode, and when a woman's sexual disposition isn't obvious, men don't resort to bizarre numerology involving how far apart her nipples are. When a man is on the prowl, his mind is occupied with trying to figure out which of the sixteen fake versions of himself he's going to need to display to take that woman home. He doesn't have time to glean esoteric info. from her eyebrows.
The You can tell how a man is in bed by how he dances old wives' tale should suffer the same fate as actual old wives; permanent exile to the fringes of society.
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